This week is "TV Turnoff" Week, which is brought to you by silly people who think we should all be running and jumping or something. They're probably socialists and I think we can agree to ignore them, but in case some of you are thinking about this whole "outside" thing and are tempted to give it a try, let me drop five reasons why you need to keep the boob tube turned on.
5. Combat Global Cooling. - There have been record cold fronts all across the country this spring. We have to up our carbon fuel consumption to combat this dire problem before our shopping malls and Multi-plexes are covered in ice!
4. We're in a recession. - Now is not the time to cut back on our power consumption and allow helpless power and light workers to be laid off. What about the TV repair men? Do you want it on your conscience that you turned your set off giving it a new lease on life and thereby depriving the repairman of an honest days work? I think not.
3. The Stinkin' Playoffs are on! - Really? You're gonna turn OFF the TV when some of the most exciting NBA (and NHL, I suppose if you're a Canuck) playoffs in memory are on every night? You do that, sir, and the terrorists win!
2. The world needs fat people too. - We can't all be thin and beautiful. If we were, how would we know who to make fun of? Some of us just have weaker genes, that's natural selection, man. You wanna mess with nature? Now put that kid back on the couch.
1. "Chuck" is in danger of cancellation and we all need to watch it roughly five thousand times this week. - Watch it live. Invite your friends over to watch it with you. Make sure they leave their sets tuned into NBC before they come over. Record it on Tivo and replay it on continual loop until NBC announces it's renewal. You have your marching orders. Get a move on.