5 Burning Questions for my 9 Month Old Son

Judah and I talk a lot. Mostly it consists of me asking him how his day went, or whether he likes his mac and cheese with a side of pineapple, and him responding with an excited, "Grrrrrr." or a slightly bemused, "Daddaa!" Soon, I imagine he'll begin to branch out a bit verbally beyond "cow" and "book" and start really dropping the toddler knowledge on me. When he does, here are a few of the questions high on my list.

1. Why does putting on OR taking off your pajamas seem to violate your civil liberties? -- Either/or, I could understand. Maybe you don't like to be naked. Your old man can commiserate with you there. Or perhaps you enjoy your nudity quite a lot and don't wish for us to restrain your inner Judah-ness with the PJ's. But to be equally upset at both is just....puzzling. For those that have never witnessed Judah being dressed, check out the "Don't Taze Me, Bro" video for a reference point. Judah acts like that, but, you know, more masculine.

2. What do my fingers taste like, and Why are they so essential to your diet? -- You've recently discovered the joys of your thumb, and I'm awfully glad because up until recently, I've been feeling a little like Seymour from "Little Shop of Horrors". Anytime my fingers are within striking distance (which is surprisingly large for such a little kid) you pounce and Daddy's got another boo boo. I wouldn't even mind if I had any idea why you like them so much. Just fill me in, okay.

3. What's with the open-mouth kisses? -- I'm an affectionate dude. I love a little kiss now and then, and (until your five or six) I don't even mind getting one on the lips. But why do you have to attempt to swallow my face? Let me tell you, if you'll put those big pillowy lips together it'll work out better for everybody involved.

4. Do you really think the TV can hear you? -- All the kids shows these days (and maybe in past days too, but these days are the only ones I have a point of reference for) give the kids at home a chance to answer questions throughout the show. And even at your young age, you're excited to give it to them (although, again, it mostly consists of "Grrrr"'s and "Daddddadddaa"). But, come on, Judah. You spend most of your time in the living room banging on the screen trying to get at Frog and Duck from Word World. You know they???re not really there...but then again, Daddy spends most of his time in front of the TV screaming at either Les Miles or Sean Payton to stop making "Bonehead calls." Maybe you're onto something here, Judah.

5. How long until your mom and I can go back to sleeping in on Saturdays? -- I understand there is the issue of you being unable (physically and esoterically) to feed yourself. I also understand that your body clock works at a significantly different setting than us old folks. But, if I were to spend some time working on a Rube Goldberg-esque contraption to get you out of bed, change your diaper and plop some rice cereal and a bottle on your tray while turning on "Word World" or "Sid the Science Kid" could we get an extra thirty minutes or so on weekends? Think about and get back to me. I'll be busy with my blow-torch and welding arc.