Sanjaya is Not Just Bad, He May Be Evil

All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing. -- Edmund Burke

Edmund Burke wouldn't vote for Sanjaya and neither should you.

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This, my friends, is the face of evil. Look how he squints into your very soul, waiting for his opportunity to steal it away from you. Be ever vigilante, for he is prowling to and fro, seeking whom he may make cry!

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Sure, Mephistopheles (pictured at the right for your convenience) is a little pastier than Senor Malakar, but he's got the facial hair down pat. Look, Meph is even strumming the guitar for "Besame Mucho" and copying Sanjaya's totally inappropriate smile. Methinks, Sanjaya has signed some eternal contracts!

It's bad enough that Sanjaya has taken over all of the world's media compromising roughly 95% of the stories on most websites and news programs (some do make time to sandwich in a little coverage of the Iraq war between Sanjaya hairdo updates and personal interest stories), but now "American Idol" has also given over to Sanjaya fever. Let me explain something to you, Nigel Lythgoe, Sanjaya is only as popular as you allow him to be. I'm not implying that the producers skew the results or banish Sanjaya solely for his possible evilness. I'm just saying that there are subtle ways they could change the way he is presented on television that could very quickly dry up his support.

The first thing we have to do to defeat the Sanjaya army is decide exactly where his support originates. It is my opinion, that there are three distinct groups.

1. Vote for the Worst -- This is by far the greatest weapon that Sanjaya currently has in his arsenal. Started during Season Three and recently cast into the limelight by Howard Stern (the evidence for evil is mounting isn't it?), this site picks a candidate that is the "worst" generally a poor singer with some sort of "trainwreck" watchable quality and pushes for all like-minded individuals to vote for them, pushing them much further than they should go in the competition.

2. Actual fans -- I know it's hard to believe, but some people do actually like him. I keep hearing things like, "He's such a nice young man." and "He gives back to his community." Well, I say this: Hitler had pretty good manners too. Those of you that are still fooled by Sanjaya's "nice guy" attitude, check out the way he abuses these sour patch kids:

3. The Indian Conspiracy -- When's the last time you put in a service call to Dell Computers? How about Microsoft? Or maybe the New AT&T (who coincidentally is a HUGE sponsor of "American Idol")? What nationality was the person on the other end of the phone? Chances are good they were not American, and English was not their first language. India has an ever growing middle-class bolstered by the move of thousands of service jobs (re: telemarketers and service call representatives) from the US to India. Perhaps they see in Sanjaya a way to exert their newfound power and show that an Indian can achieve the American dream! (okay probably not, but it's always best to cover all the possibilities)

Now group 3 may not even exist, and group 2 has got to be pretty small (According to experts only four percent of the population is afflicted with congenital amusia or tone deafness), but group 1 could carry Sanjaya a long way in the competition. Let's look at this weeks votes:

There were roughly 35 million votes cast this week with eight finalists left. If evenly divided, each contestant would have received about 4.3 million. We all know that there is no way that Hailey or Phil got 4 million votes, and chances are good that Melinda, Lakisha, Blake, and Jordan all got significantly more than that. So, let's say that at this point in the competition it would take that average, 4 million plus, to keep you out of the bottom three, and therefore safe. Sirius Satellite radio (the company that currently broadcasts Howard Stern's show) has roughly 10 million subscribers. Best estimates from third parties say that somewhere in the neighborhood of 58% of Sirius subscribers listen to Stern sometime during the week. For arguments sake, let's say there are 4 million (at least somewhat regular) listeners. How many of these call in and vote for Sanjaya based on Stern's urgings? Well, they have to be fairly interested in what he has to say since to listen to him now costs them $12 a month, so let's say that half of them follow his suggestion. That's an extra two million votes every week for Sanjaya (that's if they just vote once). We still have to take into account the votes from Sanjaya's "real" fans (God bless them and their poor broken ears), as well as the vote rigging from New Delhi.

Okay, I've just done the math, and I think Sanjaya may in fact win the Democratic nomination for President. What's that? He's not old enough to serve? No worries, Speaker Pelosi is, even as we speak, drafting an amendment to change the age limit to allow everyone's favorite hula dancer to serve as our next Commander in Chief.

We can't let it get that far.

I know that it's difficult to remember to watch the show and call in those votes (especially when there are only three or four really good contestants), but we, the good-intentioned, non-hearing impaired masses must stand for what is right. The problem is to get him off the show we must literally vote for EVERY ONE else. So, keep those dialing fingers limber and remember the words of Edmond Burke:

When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.

I don't think he was SPECIFICALLY talking about Votefortheworst.com and Howard Stern, but you never know, that Edmund Burke was a dude full of forethought.