Just when Helen Mirren puts on a great performance and puts me in a pro-monarchy kind of mood, Prince Charles goes and does something stupid, and now I'm ready to bring down the whole fake British Government. It's not like their needed. What, Tony Blair can't wave a scepter and cut some ribbons between press conferences announcing that he completely supports the President's new commitment to Iraq and another one announcing he's pulling all his troops out...but he really supports the Iraqi effort. Bill Clinton did plenty of "Public Relations" stuff between his flip-flopping. In fact, some say he did far too MUCH "Public Relations". What is it that put me in this regicidal mood (Dictionary update: While "regicidal" is not a word, "regicide" means "to kill a King", and homicidal means "contemplating homicide", thus is born the new, and positively scrumptious, word, regicidal)? Did they try to annexe the East Coast? Did they disparage American football? No. Prince Charles' offense was to the very heart of our American spirit (and waistline). He suggested we abolish McDonald's worldwide. And for that, he might need to die.Alright, I'll admit that is probably overreacting a little bit. Surely there is a more appropriate reaction. I know, let's lock him in London Tower. You know, man-in-the-iron-mask style. Wait, that was the French, wasn't it? Well, the idea still applies. A couple of years in there eating gruel and I bet he'd beg for a Big Mac. It's not like we shouldn't have seen this coming. For more than two hundred years those Brits have continued to refer to us as "the colonies," treating us like the Down Syndrome giant at the world's dinner table (You don't point out that he's spilling his soup all over the place because he could literally crush your skull, but after he leaves the table you don't invite him to play Bridge with the adults). Well, consider me one pissed off Down Syndrome giant...wait, that didn't come out like I intended. Suffice it to say I'm pissed off. McDonald's is quite emblematic of our nation as a whole. It started with a couple of brothers working hard to make a way for themselves, providing wholesome food and friendly service to their neighbors for a fair price. Then a businessman bought the idea, slashed the quality of food to lower overhead, put it all in a colorful bag backed by an expensive ad campaign with a catchy jingle, and franchised the idea to every corner of the globe. It's really the story of Democracy. Brings a tear to my eye. Give me a minute. Alright, I'm collected now. So, while I may just be one man against the entire British Empire (who are we kidding, there hasn't been an Empire since Churchill hung up his whiskey bottle and retired), I've got a plan to showcase my disdain for Prince Charles' statement as well as his generally smug, self-satisfied, attitude. The plan is in five parts:
1. Start Wearing a Guy Fawkes mask at all times and speak only in rhyme -- It worked for Hugo Weaving when he brought down the tyrannical leader of Britain in his time, and I think we have a lot to learn from history.2. Begin a petition to officially change the name "Great Britain" in all textbooks to "Horrible Britain" -- Just think about the time we hated France...no I mean the last time. Within a couple of months we had everybody calling "french fries" "freedom fries". I think this one could catch on too.
3. Set up elaborate photo shoot for the entire British Royal family, put all electrical equipment in water, everybody gets electrocuted then John Goodman becomes King -- This is maybe my greatest plan. There is no way that Roseanne's husband would abolish fast food...although, if memory serves he actually prefers Burger King...I'll have to work on this one.4. Expose Prince Charles' longstanding affair with Camilla, his high school sweetheart, thereby destroying his public image and costing him any future chance at the crown -- Wait...you're saying the public already knows about this? They're married now? Weird. 5. Put him on the "No Fly" list -- Then let's see how he makes it to his little Polo matches on time. That pansy. What's that? The "No Fly" list is an American thing? Hmmm. Can't we just have Homeland Security pick him up as an enemy combatant? It worked for Michael Moore! This is a call to arms, my friends. Our very way of life is at stake. There is no room for capitulation and compassion. You are either with us or against us. So in the tradition of Brutus, The State of Virginia, and John Wilkes Booth, I say to you, "Sic Semper Tyrannis" Thus Always to Tyrants!