A Drunken Exploration of All Things Snooze

I publish this blog both on Blogger and at my digital domicile, MySpace. I know my inability to commit to one or the other frustrates some of you, but there's just too much Rogue to be held down by the bonds of digital monogamy.

That said, I have friends that refuse to give in to the allure of MySpace. They decry the (vast) number of fake profiles, or the cookie-cutter page layout. There are a million reasons not to be on MySpace, but last night I was reminded of a very good reason why I'm glad I am. A cousin of mine, whom I haven't seen in years, found my page while browsing one of our old friends sites. So now, however superficially, we are back in touch. In her first foray into MySpace blogging she opined about her adoration of the snooze button. So in honor of her, and MySpace's ability to bring families together, here's my take on man's greatest invention...you know, besides the internet.

The Snooze That Almost Was

It's a scientifically proven fact (not really, but we'll act like it is) that ill-begotten sleep, sleep stolen from your daily routine, is actually three times as effective in restoring the body and mind than regular night-time sleep. No matter whether you prefer the nine minute variety, the five minute variety, or the clock chooses randomly how much I snooze (alright Mr. Fancy Pants!) variety, those stolen moments generally are much more relaxing and important to us than the hours of sleep that preceded them. It was with this discovery in mind that Alexander Snooze made a suggestion to his friend and partner, Levi Hutchins.

Levi was a bit of a stuff-shirt, even for the late 1700s. At 26 years old, the clockmaker wasn't clubbing with his colonial buddies until the wee hours of the morning. No, Levi liked to be up early, slaving away before the sun came up at his job. The problem was that occasionally, Levi would miss his 4am wake-up call (you just can't trust those roosters to be punctual). So he set about building the world's first alarm clock. Once he had the idea to use a clock to set off a bell at a desired time the execution was actually fairly simple (for smart people, slackers like you and me...and Alexander Snooze for that matter probably never would have figured it out). The invention was a success. The neighbors didn't like it, but Levi figured they could bite ye olde big one.

Alexander was impressed with his buddy's invention, and encouraged him to sell copies (slackers are almost always business minded). Signore Snooze did have one recommendation though. Why not add the ability to delay the alarm once it actually went off? This way if you'd had one too many pints of mead the night before (or maybe had been to a bitchin' tea party) you could get those extra few winks you needed while not missing the days labors entirely.

Levi was shortsighted though. Not only did he not implement the brilliant "Snooze Feature" but he never even patented the idea for the alarm clock. He is now long dead and buried, remembered only as the imbecile that let one of largest theoretical payouts in human history go to some other dude. Alexander Snooze, on the other hand, not only lives on in the name of his greatest idea, but also became one of the most beloved, if wholly ineffectual, Senators in the early history of America. It seems the desire to sleep in, especially at the expense of your job, is a plus in politics.

Let this be a lesson to all of you. The Path of the Rogue doesn't always have to be drunken, but it does require an above average commitment to procrastination. Alexander Snooze, I and fellow Rogues everywhere salute you!