Behind the Bustier: The True Story of Anna Nicole Smith

Today, America has lost a paragon of class. One of our most talented actor/dancer/producer/marryer has died today. I'm speaking of course of Anna Nicole Smith Marshall (enter new last name here). The little stripper that could rose from obscurity to fabulous wealth, and then used that wealth to eradicate all doubt that she had any sense or style whatsoever.

Some may know her from her more mature titles produced by Hugh Hefner and Playboy Enterprises. Others may know her from her inexcusably popular television program on E! Entertainment Television. Others may know her simply as that fat blond chick that did the commercials for the weight loss pills. Many children know her as the demon that haunts their dreams. The undeniable fact is that Anna Nicole made an impression on us, and at her size, how could she not?

In an odd twist of fate (eerily reminiscent of James Brown's death) this intrepid reporter had recently sat down for an exclusive interview with Anna Nicole. In mammary...excuse me in memory of her, we present that interview below.

Drunken Rogue: Hello, Anna. Thanks for joining us today.

Anna Nicole: No problem. I didn't have nothin' to do between my fried chicken dinner and eating half a bottle of Trimspa, so it's no trouble.

DR: Umm, I don't think you're supposed to gorge and then take those pills, Anna. And I'm positive you're not supposed to take so many of them.

AN: Naw, it's okay. That's how I keep my figure.

At this point Anna began rubbing her gargantuan belly in a a suggestive fashion. It might have been uncomfortable for me, but her hand left little grease trails on her blouse. That just made it nasty.

DR: Anna, let's talk about your late husband.

AN: He's not late. I didn't even know you wanted him here for the interview.

DR: No, Anna. I mean your dead husband.

AN: Oh, him. He was always late. It's probably 'cause he was in that wheelchair, you know. Sorta made it hard for him to get around fast. Also, there's the fact that he was old. He was like 100 or something.

DR: How did you two meet?

AN: Well, I was a member of his Bridge club, and we just loved to play cards and tell jokes.

DR: Really?

AN: Naw, I'm just pulling your leg. He was a crusty old pervert that liked to come watch me shake my moneymaker.

DR: Did he love you?

AN: I don't know. I'd like to think so. I know he loved soup. But then, I'm not really that much like soup.

DR: You are thick.

AN: What?

DR: Nothing. How did it make you feel after his death when his family tried to cut you out of his estate?

AN: Well, I never fit in in that family. They were all interested in the stock market and oil futures, and I liked pink pillows and peek-a-boo tops. There was no way they were ever going to let me get my hands on his money. That's why I pursued them.

DR: Pursued them?

AN: Yeah, took 'em to court.

DR: Oh, you mean "sued" them. Yes, of course. Anna after your husband's death you actually increased your fame with a very popular and completely idiotic television show. How did that get started?

AN: COMPLETELY idiotic? Wow, that means a lot coming from someone like you, thanks. Well, I had cameras installed in my apartment ever since J. Marshall died. I was dating a lot of old geezers at the time, and if one of them kicked it while we were...well, playing patty-cake...then I wanted proof that I hadn't killed 'em.

DR: Pretty smart.

AN: Yeah, people think I'm stupid. Well, I'm stupid like a fox.

DR: I don't think that's the expression.

AN: So one day when I was leaving the house I noticed there were like fifteen people huddled in the security guard booth, all of them just laughing their heads off...well, not literally, but they were laughing a lot. Turns out they were watching the security camera video from the night before. I was watching an episode of Jeopardy, and yellin' answers at the screen. I don't what they thought was so funny, but I immediately realized that this was what my fans needed. They needed to see me in my elements.

DR: Surrounded by pervy old men?

AN: What?

DR: Nothing. So that's where you got the idea for the show, huh?

AN: Actually in the beginning I wanted to a whole network, like that movie "The Jim Carrey Show."

DR: You mean "The Truman Show"?

AN: No, it was Jim Carrey in that movie. I don't even know any actors named Truman.

DR: Anna, I'm afraid our time is just about up. Is there a parting thought you'd like to leave my readers with?

AN: Yeah, the next time you take your clothes out of the dryer, remember to clean out that little hole in the front that fills up with fuzzy stuff. I don't know where it comes from, but if you leave it in there long enough it'll catch on fire.

DR: I don't think I could have summed it up any better myself, Anna. Thanks for your time.

AN: Hey, on your way out will you bring me a piece of pizza out of the fridge? Oooh, and my toenail polish. It's on the counter.

There, ladies and gentlemen, some of the last final public words from one of America's national treasures. Anna Nicole, you will be missed.