The Drunken Rogue's Official Position on Children, Pets, and Other Shiftless Lay-Abouts

There is a problem of epic proportions rampaging across our country. While you and I, the hard-working, tax-paying, law-abiding citizens of this country, go about our daily lives, there are interlopers among us. These ne'er-do-well's feed off our inherent generosity, and selflessness. Neither carrying their own weight, nor apologizing for their short-comings these worthless souls further drain our already beleaguered system. Soon, their sloth will topple not only our country, but Western Civilization as we know it. If they are not exposed and expunged immediately I am afraid we can kiss more than four thousand years of hard work goodbye.

Standing against these enemies of productivity is not a popular position. One of their natural traits is "cute-ness" which generally renders men and women sympathetic to their "needs." I (with years of training) have developed an immunity to their wiles and am therefore able to call the proverbial spade a spade. It's time that these kids got jobs.

When was the last time you saw a toddler doing anything remotely productive for society as a whole? What medical breakthroughs or scientific discoveries can we lay at the feet of child researchers? Did a baby ever create a great work of art? No! Their only function seems to be eating, sleeping, and pooping. All the while requiring attention and assistance from older (more productive) members of society. Not only are they not a positive influence on the economy, they are literally dragging us down. It must be stopped.

Not far behind children on the list of societal drains are our pets. If you had a friend that lived in your home, ate your food, abused your furniture and possessions, and deposited his waste products in a box with the expectation that you would remove those for him, all the while providing no income to the household, and often ignoring your direct requests for him to do/not do something, how long would you let him stay? Would you pay his medical bills when he got sick? Or would you tell him to get off his keister and start helping out? Why do we expect reciprocation from our human friends, but have no problem being abused and used by our "furry friends"? I call them "furry fiends"!

It saddens me to say that the fault for the continuation of these abuses lies primarily with us. For once, I am completely sure that we are not the most intelligent form of life on the planet. The common house cat has that honor. Not only does he live at our expense, but we don't even expect him to come when we call. The dog doesn't pull his own weight, but at least he has the decency to act like we are the master. The cat not only takes our handouts, but is rude in demanding them. The "affection" and "companionship" that he provides (so often used as an excuse for keeping these filthy beast around) is given on his terms, and his alone.

How much longer must we labor while others enjoy the fruits of those labors? Let us unite and cry out with one voice in the words of John Smith (savior of Jamestown) "He who does not work, shall not eat...nor shall he have cool toys."

***Lawyer's Note: This article is a work of parody, and should not be construed to suggest that babies, children, or animals be forced to work. Hookem, Catchem, and Skinem (legal representatives for Drunken Rogue Publications) knows better than most that child labor is neither practical nor legal...or moral, and besides dogs and cats don't even have opposable thumbs. How much work could they really get done? The author is merely using the absurd idea that children should work for themselves as the theme for a humorous (not really) rant. Any legal action taken against Joel or Drunken Rogue Publications as a result of this article will fail because we've sufficiently covered our (and his) butts. So don't even try it.

As always, hate mail and death threats may be sent to Hookem, Catchem and Skinem 5000 Crooked Road Way, Sharksville, LA. End Lawyer's Note***