The World Premier of ...The Drunken Rogue: The Novel

I've kept you on pins and needles, I know. It was more than a month ago that I first mentioned I was working on a novel. Well, working may be too strong a word. I was batting around a novel, how about that? I'm still hard at work on my opus and plan to have a first draft finished sometime before March (my first anniversary of blogging, by the way). Since not much (other than Lindsey Lohan's professed sobriety) is happening in the past few days, I thought I'd drop the Prologue of the novel (that's the chapter before the novel really starts) on my readers. I don't have a title (not for sure anyway), and the plot is fluid to say the least. I hope you enjoy it, and I would definitely appreciate your thoughts, comments, criticisms or suggestions. But not your taunting or your parfaits, I just don't like parfait.


Beer and Cheerios is never a good idea. So I left the Cheerios. It had been a long weekend and a short night that led me to the kitchen in such an agitated state. I was tired, I was hungry, I was thirsty, but mostly I wanted a beer.<o:p></o:p>

The need for beer and the feeling of thirst are often confused. Not by me. They are two separate, and equally strong desires. Occasionally one beats out the other, sometimes both can be satisfied simultaneously, but most often they arise separately. That morning, desire for beer beat the crap out of thirst.<o:p></o:p>

I took my frosty beverage and made my way to the inner sanctum, the TV room. Some people have living rooms, others have conversation areas, I have a TV room. It???s made for one thing and there???s no reason lying about it. I believe in calling things what they are, so this was (and is) the TV room. I had at least two hours before ???The Price is Right??? started so I settled on Nick Jr.<o:p></o:p>

Why was I up at 8 o???clock? I can promise you this; it had nothing to do with responsibility and working hard. Those are qualities I never possessed. It did have quite a lot to do with the fact that I was busy, mostly with drinking. I???m a writer, I have an image to maintain. Halfway through the first beer it occurred to me that the cartoon I was watching was in Spanish, which was a relief, because for a while I thought I had lost the ability to understand the English language. It???s frightening to think that your average kid is more intelligent than I am, at least linguistically speaking.<o:p></o:p>

I finished the beer and decided I???d go for those Cheerios after all, oats in both solid and liquid form, nice. There???s something about Cheerios that makes you feel very young and innocent. That???s one of the reasons I still buy them. It???s also the reason I refuse to eat them with beer. Even I hold some things sacred. Cheerios, ???The Price is Right,??? and Robin Hood. No, not the Kevin Costner film. The cartoon version from Disney. Yes, the one with the foxes.<o:p></o:p>

Drinking wasn???t the only thing on the day???s agenda. I was supposed to meet my editor and I had a novel to work on. That???s right. When I said I was a writer, I didn???t mean in the esoteric, ???We all write the novel of our lives,??? way, I meant I write books, and some people (albeit not many) pay for said books. But I hadn???t written one in a while, and no one had bought one in longer, and the man with the money (the above mentioned editor) was getting nervous. I had a deadline for my latest opus, and he was meeting me to see how it was coming.<o:p></o:p>

It was not coming. I had written four novels so far, one science fiction, one very bad western, and two romance novels. We???re not talking about classy, period romance novels either. Jane Austen I am not. Bodice-rippers, I believe, is the phrase normally applied to this kind of book. I like to call them porno-lite. You may be thinking, ???What self-respecting artist would sacrifice their dignity to write cheap filth???? I would say this:<o:p></o:p>

1. Nobody said I was self-respecting<o:p></o:p>

2. Housewives need their porno-lite, it may as well be me that gives it to them<o:p></o:p>

3. It may be filth, but it is by no means cheap. Well, not in price anyway. Quality, yes.<o:p></o:p>

Those bodice-rippers had paid off my student loans, bought me a house, and purchase a lot of beer over the last two years. The problem was, romance readers need new material constantly. It seems literary sex doesn???t age quite like the classics, and very rarely warrants a repeat reading. So, my editor was demanding new work. Work I hadn???t even started. I figured I had plenty of time though. The manuscript wasn???t due until the thirtieth of November. This being the first of November I had almost a month. Plenty of time for ???The Price is Right.???