I May Have to Kill John Mayer...

...and nobody's sadder about it than I am. But the time has come. For his own good, and the wellbeing of the human race as a whole, he must be stopped. It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it, and that somebody is me.

Sure, I loved "Your Body is a Wonderland." Like six years ago. Then it was a sexy subversive pop song, reminiscent of the early "Beatles." Now it's that song the 12 year old punk in the car that just cut me off sings to his girlfriend while popping his collar, 'cause he thinks that's sexy.

That is not sexy.

That's sad. Sure his "Comfortable" is a beautiful song about a lost love. Yes, he can play the guitar (not phenomenally, but) better than most of these "musicians" that make the charts today. It's also true that he has dated several good looking women during his time at the top of the "Teen Idol" list. It's also true that (other than the sasquatch formerly known as Matthew McConnaughey) he is transforming into the ugliest man in showbusiness.

We can debate all we want about whether it's better for a rock legend to burn out (ala Jimi, and Janis) or to fade away (ala Stevie Wonder) but when you've never even risen to the heights of "legend" you are most definitely not allowed to fade into a disgusting caricature of yourself. Seriously, Mayer, pull your self together. There are still ditzy starlets that long to be on your arm, but not for long the way you're headed!

So is that why John Mayer must die? No, my friends. It's not his crappy acoust-a-rock. It's not the fact that the good songs have been co-opted by losers. It's not even that he is apparently on a quest to turn himself into the elephant man. The reason Mayer must die, is that he's decided to be a humor critic. That I cannont abide.

Yesterday on his personal website JohnMayer.com, he linked to a buddy's MySpace blog, heralding it as "The Funniest MySpace Blog Ever...Maybe." I have several problems with this.

1. He can't possibly know that. -- I know now that his music career is in the toilet, and he's trying his best to become Marlon Brando: the Later Years, that he's got a lot of time on his hands. But there is no way he's read every MySpace blog. Not even I have that kind of time.

2. The blog in question, while funny, isn't even the best blog I've read about stalking old people. -- my boy Rico Tubbs (aka Jean) writes the best old-people-stalking blogs, no doubts about it. Although Mayer's buddy is awesome at Photoshop.

3. Even in his headline Mayer wimps out. -- He makes a claim (a bold, gutsy one) and then immediately withdraws less he be smacked down. If he had just hung it out there, "The Best MySpace Blog Ever!" I would have had to respect it. But he didn't, "The Best MySpace Blog Ever...Maybe" That's just sad, John. Now I have to kill you.

To John's fans (all the twelve year old's in the audience) I apoplogize. But know this, the world of rock will be better for his sacrifice. Know also that meaningless, pansy pop songs can still be found in abundance. I'd direct you to "Five for Fighting"'s new album or "Daniel Powter" of "You had a Bad Day" fame. Yes, the song from "American Idol."