Save the Children...From Celebrities

I plan on being fabulously wealthy and well known (at least in literate circles) someday. But here, now, while I'm still poor and anonymous, I make a pledge. I will never adopt third world children, particularly ones that are not actually orphans. It just doesn't seem fair.

Sure, it makes sense why someone like Angelina Jolie or Madonna would want to rescue a child from a life of poverty in the uncivilized portions of the world, but wouldn't it be better if you spent the thousands (in their case, millions) of dollars you will spend on that child over the course of their life, and raise the quality of life for all of their people? No? You're right. It's much more humane to pick the one really photogenic kid, cut him a mohawk, and make him a movie star. That way he can get a drug habit, and a slutty girlfriend with a record deal, and then return to his homeland in his mid 20's and "find himself." Yep, I think mankind is much better served in this fashion.

As a matter of fact, we should all do this. I mean there are about 300 million people in the United States. If everyone of us adopted a foreign child, then the developing world would be saved from caring for about a 10th of their current load and the United States would immediately suffer food shortages. Now everybody's equal right?

I understand that it seems like a wonderful idea to adopt someone who is pretty much destined for a more difficult life than your own. It is a wonderful idea, there are just plenty of orphans headed for a difficult life right here in the U.S., I don't understand why we need to reach out of our borders. The other issue is one of pride. Who are we to take a child away from the culture and society that is their parent's birthright? Oh, that's right. We're the beautiful people. Well, that makes it okay!

The Drunken Rogue intends on paying his bills and lining his pockets one day with the money generated by the words he writes. So, as a promise to the ones that read those words before anyone knew they mattered, I will not adopt Third World Children. I'll give to charity, I'll help build homes, hospitals, and churches, but I'll leave the kids with their own families, thank you very much.