The Drunken Rogue's Mailbag

Most of you know that I have a blog here on blogger, as well as one on MySpace. This was an exclusive MySpace blog (it's not that I left you guys out, I just didn't know how to pull this off on two blogs. Below, you'll find yesterday's blog, as well as all the comments to it (sorry it's so long). This accomplishes two things.

1. You guys that read here will see you are not alone, even though there are almost never any comments on my Blogger page.
2. You'll get to see just how funny the Drunken Rogue was yesterday (hint: I was pretty funny)

In the Words of John Lennon, "I'm a Jealous Guy." I have a blog that tons of people check out everyday. I have a lot of friends that seem to enjoy reading my stuff, and still I want more. Today, I'd like to have the most viewed blog. You might say to yourself, "How can I help with that?" The truth is all your gonna have to do is check out the funny.

One of the more popular types of blogs that I notice on the "Top Blogs List" everyday is the "Ask Me Anything" blog. The writer opens him/herself up to questions and comments and then responds honestly to each one. Now, that might work fine if I was famous, but the truth is most of you already know most everything there is to know about me, and the ones who don't know me, just like it when I'm funny. So, here's what we're going to do.

Post a comment below with a question, coment, musing, humorous remark, etc. and I'll try to turn it into something funny. If you want further info on my ridiculous eating habits as detailed in my recent blog, "This is the Bus to Crazytown" now is your chance to get those details with a humorous slant. Do you want my opinion on a new TV show or movie? Come and get it. You want to ask me about my writing process here it comes. You just want to say hi, and see if I can turn it into a joke? Test me out.

What if you're shy and don't want to be subjected to public scrutiny? Alright then send me a message instead. If the question/comment/musing comes in by message, I'll probably use it in the blog, but not use your name. Fair enough, right?

Now let's get the ball rolling with one that came yesterday. As you know (or should know) I'm currently asking for votes in the "Best Blog/Writer" competition (to vote follow the link at the bottom of the blog). A friend of mine, Koog, sent me a comment yesterday,

" i been voting for you every hour i been awake :P"

In addition to being an excellent use of an above average smiley, this was awfully sweet, so I decided to respond with the following personal note.

Dear Sir/Madam/Intergalactic Entity:

The office of Joel would like to thank/admonish you for the following (whichever is applicable):

1. Buying Drunken Rogue products.
2. Making threatening phone calls/sending threatening emails to Joel
3. Performing sexual favors for Joel
4. Attending a "Ways to Wealth from the Drunken Rogue" seminar
5. Destroying Joel's private property
6. Attempting to convert Joel to Islam
7. Complimenting Joel's wife's looks, but then smiling and leering a little too much
8. Calling the cops when Joel gets violent
9. Holding Joel's hair while he pukes into your toilet/bed/shoes
10. Voting for Joel in the Best Blog/Writer Contest

Whatever it may be that you did for/to Joel, he appreicates it/would appreciate if you didn't do it again, whichever is appropriate.

Joel Looks forward to hearing from you again/seeing you in court. Until then,

The Office of Joel (this letter was written by staffers and should not be construed as personal communication with Joel)

So, there you go folks, join the Drunken Rogue Comedy Team, and help Joel hit the top of the blog rankings all at the same time. It's like Smokey the Bear says, "Only you can prevent bad blogging." Wait, I don't think that's Smokey's quote at all is it? Oh well, somebody probably said that once.

Wonder Twin #1

Joel - Just curious...Do you work? Other than keeping us constantly entertained? I do not mean this as a "negative" - just wondering how the hell you would have time for anything else - your blogs are genious (sorry Jean!!). Just please - keep them coming!! I, for one, look forward to them. THANKS!!
ps) i voted!!

Joel

My Dearest (since the other one hasn't signed up to be my friend yet) Wonder Twin:

Thank you for your kind words, and your vote. I am semi-retired due to a combination disability settlement and welfare scam...excuse me I mean welfare system. I draw money from the federal, state and local governments (some of which is payment for my many covert operations during the first Gulf War) this income allows me the time neccessary to plan, write, edit, re-write, spellcheck, fact check, edit, re-re-write and then finally post these daily drops of Genius (not to be confused with Drops of Jupiter, the band "Train" has that copywritten). It's good to know that all my hard work is appreciated.

Seriously, I do work, as a Dj. I just don't work that hard.

Wonder Twin #1

Thanks for clearing that up for me. Work the system babe - work it!! I will check out your exploits later!! I can only imagine how exciting life for your girlfriend must be - KUDOS to her!! LOL!!
PS) I must tell on my counter-part. I've told her about your blogs and have advised her to request you as a friend back when I did. I think the "My Dearest Wonder Twin" might just kill her!! LOVE IT :-)

I have long known that my words have a fatal quality, but I have to admit I didn't plan on killing your Wonder Twin with that barb. Whoops!

My Girlfriend actually enjoys my writing immensely and doesn't mind at all that it takes a little time away from her, my Wife on the other hand is constantly suggesting that I lose this hobby and get a real job, but what can you expect?

OMG!! Apologies and kudos to your wife!! You got me and I'm sure you enjoyed it greatly... In my defense - I didn't read your profile (which I will now do!!). I requested you as a friend (per Jean's recommendation) and then jumped straight to your blogs!! Forgive me - I am SO embarassed :-)

No need to be embarrassed, Sherri. When you're caught peeing in your backyard by the neighbor and his minister, now that's a good time to be embarassed. Skipping the profile reading, that's small potatoes.

Deanne

First, I'd like your synopsis on the rise and fall in the world of Smallville. Second, I know you work at a country music station...do you actually enjoy country music? If so, why??? Lastly, let's go with a time honored question. If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you have to have with you and why?

PS. I'm going to go ahead and give you kudos because I know the answers will be hilariously entertaining.

Thanks Deanne (or as I've politely taken to calling you, My Campaign Manager).

1. This would (and shortly will) take up it's own blog, but I'll hit the high points. "Smallville" should be one of (if not the) coolest shows on TV. They've got a good budget, several wonderful actors (John Glover, Annette O'Toole, Michael Rosenbaum), and a 60 year history of fantastic stories to tell. But it's not one of (and definately not the) best shows on TV. It's one of the worst. It's on the smallest network (The CW which of course stands for Crappily Written) so it's abysmal ratings are huge for them, and it'll probably never be taken off the air (I can't wait to see Clark at 50 still not flying or wearing the tights and hanging out in Smallville instead Metropolis). Why does it suck so much? It's all a conspiracy. Brett Ratner is actually pulling the strings behind the scenes, and he has slowly but surely destroyed every ounce of goodness in the show. He did this of course to wreck any chance of Bryan Singer's film "Superman Returns" having a better showing at the box office than "Xmen 3: The Last Stand." That's right, Deanne, petty jealousy has ruined "Smallville"...oh, and lousy scripts.

2. No.

3. What three things would I take with me to a desert Island? A copy of "Robinson Crusoe" because not only is it a wonderfully written book which would provide hours of entertainment, but it would also comfort me reading about the survival of another stranded man. Second I'd bring a First Aid kit, because, well I'm liable to get injured at some point and there's no sense in not having proper medical supplies. Third I'd bring a boat so I could get off the island.

Addendum to number 2, so nobody feels cheated: Hell, no.

Charlie

Dear He of much Drukenness,

I've always wondered how would the world be different today if the Confederacy had won the Civil War.

Dear He of Less Drunkedness,

It all depends, Chuck. Did the Confederacy win because of superior fighting skill, and the innate advantage of fighting defense instead of offense? Or did they win because Neo-Nazi's came from the future with automatic weapons to enable the Confederacy to defeat the North and therefore set up a White Supremacist nation?

'Cause well, the Neo-Nazis and they're automatic weapons would have a hell of an effect on our development as a nation.

In all honesty, I just watched a film that asks this question, yesterday. It's called "C.S.A: The Confederate States of America" and is a mockumentary about the history of the C.S.A. It's really interesting and (at times) hilarious. It uses stock news footage (heavily edited of course) fake commercials and interviews with fictional characters to a great story.

Slavery probably wouldn't have lasted much longer (all the deaths of the Civil War would have demanded a larger work force to support the economy). It is likely however that we would have practiced segregation for much longer than we actually did. Also we probably would not be nearly as large a nation now, because eventually other states would have used the Civil War as a precedent to suceed for other reasons....I'm sorry, were you just looking for the joke?

Mr.ESPN 99.3

Dr. Rogue why do you continue to use big words and phrases that hurt my head?...Jesus used parables we could all understand but you Lord of Darkness continue to confuse...

Sean,

Thanks for your inquiry and concern. I'm sorry about the headaches. I'd suggest two aleve and a tall glass of water. As to your concern about my vocabulary: I know that I use words that are foreign to you, but don't let it discourage you. I also try to always put a few fart jokes in just for my readers like you. Also look at it like this, when you tell other people that you read the Drunken Rogue, or even when they see your comments below my posts, they'll just assume that all of this makes sense to you and you must be a very intelligent young man. It's okay to use me just for the social benefits. I don't mind.

Incidentally, have you read any of Jesus' parables lately? I'm sure they made sense to the common man on the streets of Judea 2000 years ago, but they occasionally befuddle me, as I am unfamiliar with fishing, gardening, talents, mites etc. But then I never claimed to be a Biblical scholar.

Melissa

My worldview significantly changed yesterday. Kidd Kratic informed his thousands of listeners via radio (yay radio!) that are boys and girls in arms in Iraq don't only have to face the danger of suicide bombers. Oh no. That wouldn't be enough. They also have to sleep in the desert which they share with gargantuan spiders that are larger than my rat terrier . . . . that can run 25 m.p.h . . . . that can shoot venom distances of more than 5 feet that numbs your nerves . . . . . and then, they eat your flesh and lay eggs in your bodily cavities.

I didn't sleep last night.

So . . . .make this horrifying realization funny if you can. (And if you do, I'll post what you say on my blog.)

Whooo, that's a toughy. Worldview alterations are always hard to take, and they often cause indigestion, too. Alright here goes:

Sure, our servicemen and women serving in Iraq have it rough. They are living amongst and fighting for a people who are somewhat angry at them for being ther. They are fighting an enemy that lives in the shadows and strikes without warning. They are ill-equipped and prepared for the battle they are currently in, and half of our country doesn't seem to support what they are doing. Now we discover that there is a super-spider hunting across the Iraqi desert that could not only injure or kill our soldiers but do so in a fairly horrific way.

I, for one, am relieved. We can finally put to rest the embittered political disputes we've suffered the past few years. Our invasion and subsequent occupation of Iraq were definately for the right reasons, and finally the President has the proof he's so longed for. Kidd Kratic found the WMDs. 'Cause let's face it if a spider roughly the size of a Rat Terrier, that can run 25Mph, and shoot venom from up to five feet away, who after killing you uses your carcess as in incubator, if that animal isn't a Weapon of Mass Destruction I have no clue what is. So, nice work boys, Saddam was planning something after all. It's a good thing we got to him before he got the lasers mounted on their heads. There is nothing scarier than a dog-sized spider with a laser on it's head.

Ok yeah . . . . that was supposed to be OUR boys and girls in arms. . .. like I said, I didn't sleep last night. Spiders that can run 25 m.p.h kept running across my mind. You know, I'm looking, and my grammar was horrible. Sorry for that.

Alright, I'll forgive your poor grammar this once, but don't let it happen again. Just remember when you use poor grammar, the terrorists win.

Incidentally, how big is your mind that the spiders can even get up to 25mph? I understand they're fast, but they have to have a little room to accellerate don't they? If not, screw my previous answer, these little buggers are frightening!

Dick

The M16A2 assualt rifle is accurate WELL beyond 300 meters, if you can even see a damned camel spider (for that is what they are called) from that far. I figure you slap that puppy on burst and send a series of well aimed 3 round volleys at the thing, and it won't be thinking too much about bodies cavities. also, they seek the shade of your shadow and will chase you for it.

The scariest thing I have ever seen in print...

"They seek the shade of your shadow and will chase you for it."

Mel, you oughtta lose some sleep over that line. Seriously can we just go ahead and get a low budget horror film marketed with that tagline. Although I think Camel Spider is a little weak for their name. How about, "Death Spider" or "Aargarbidian Snare Beast" you know, whichever one works for you.

Incidentally, it's still a little unerving, Richard, to hear you (or more appropriately, read you) using the proper names for automatic weapons. My little soldier boy!
Jena

Sometimes I forget that they let you play with REAL weapons, Richard... those crazy Germans! I may never sleep again just thinking of the "Monster Spiders" chasing my shadow, thanks Dick.

Joel's Packing List for upcoming trip home:

1. Pajamas
2. Church clothes
3. Toothbrush
4. Large rubber spider to put in Jena's sheets at night

Oh lord, look at the can of worms (maybe spiders in this case). I really don't like to know things like "They seek the shade of your shadow and will chase you for it." So how, really, do you kill something like that? Deanne put up a picture . . .they're the color of the friggin sand. She said they can "only" run 10 mph, but frankly, I can't run that fast for long. And if I even had an automatic weapon, I'm not that good of a shot . . . by the time I loaded and took off the safety, I would have found my shadow. By the way, did you know that these things are also found in the U.S. southwest?

How's that for unnerving?

I've found that the most frightening things in America are found in the southwest. Tequila, tacos, Arizonians, and now the Camel Spider! It really is the Wild, Wild West.

Don't forget scorpians (basically poisonous needles that run on six legs), giant thorns that can pop tractor tires, dry heat, and tarantulas . . .by the way . . . lots of kudos, but I always forget to click on them.

Are you familiar with the eastern concept of Karma, Melissa? Don't worry, the kudos that you don't give to me, will not come to you...or some other suitably vague and mysterious sounding line, I don't really do mysterious very well.

Boyd & Tara

Here's one for you, but it's extremely gross. Feel free to disregard if you'd like.

Explain the direct connection between introducing meats into my daughter's diet and the increased amount of stank coming from her diaper.

By the way, thank your friend Melissa for me for the spider info. I'm absolutely petrified now. My skin has been crawling for about 20 minutes. That is truly a WMD.

In classic Catholic Theology, the concept of "Original Sin" is responsible for our sinful, less than perfect nature. Before the fall of man (mostly Eve's fault by the way) man led a much more peaceful life. His needs were met, his time spent happily at work naming the creatures and plants of the garden, and communing with God. But then Eve took a bite of the apple, and convinced Adam to do the same. And it all went downhill from there.

I figure that "meat-poop" phenomenon (as I like to call it) is a picture of this. As we know, God has often used symbols or analogies throughout our history, to teach us lessons (ie. the serpent on the staff, that the children of Israel needed only to look upon and they would be healed, as a picture of Christ). The "meat-poop," you see, is a picture of "original sin." When we (the human race, or your baby) is living on the sustenance that God provides us (breastmilk or formula for the baby), we are peaceful, protected, without the "stink" of everyday life. Once we stray outside of that "milk" of God (or the actual milk in the baby's case) we then are presented with the ugliness (and stench) of life on Earth.

So, yep, stinky baby poop is a picture of "original sin"...or maybe the meat was just bad. It could go either way.

Wow, way to bring in the theology. I am greatly impressed! It almost sounds believable!

Well, as they say in my 'hood, I got skillz!

And here's to make up for Jena jacking you on kudos.

There's now balance in the Force!

elle E

Well said, Joel, well said. However, I must protest. My daughter only drinks breastmilk. Formula occasionally, but definitely no meat. Yet as she gets older, her diapers posses a stank almost worse than mine. Which is powerful. Trust me.

So, you can stick your original theory up your arse. Or maybe you stuck it up Ava's and that is what stinks so bad...

You just THINK her butt smells now! You wait 'till you get some meat and 'taters in her, then we'll talk about stank!

Although, I suppose my butt would be a good repository for that theory, since my butt is the theory's point of origin.

Crunky Bonifa Beans

Media_httpimyspacecom_kafgc

lqtm Fabulous, just fabulous!

To continue on with something another reader asked...

Why don't you like Country Music? Also, when you say "coun try music," do you mean the original sounds, such as old-time folk blues, western swing, or even bluegrass (as opposed to pop music involving an acoustic guitar -sometimes- and a fake Southern accent)?

I'm withholding my kudos for the moment...

Hey Crunky (or should I call you Paradoxical?),

First I said I didn't like country music mostly because I could get a joke out of it. A huge, rambling response to questions one and three with one word for question two.

In reality, I do like country music. But only a few specific (un-sucky) kinds of country music. The pop music with acoustic guitars and fake southern accents that you speak of, is the music that turns me off. At times modern country radio shies away from that, and seems to be giving new life to the classic sound. And then Shania Twain makes a new album.

I love southern rock, blues, jazz, juke-joint music, r&b (of the Sam Cooke/Ray Charles variety not the R.Kelly/Usher type), soul, big band swing, standards, bluegrass, even gospel. As long as it's done well and from the heart I dig it. My favorite bands are groups like: Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, The Stones, Jethro Tull (just for you Richard), Pink Floyd, Aerosmith, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young (how could they be so awesome with him, and craptacular without Neil Young?), Simon and Garfunkel (or just Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel is the definition of no-talent)...well, it just occurred to me that this list could get very long, so I'll kill it here. Just suffice it to say that if it's got a strong beat and a melancholy lyric, I probably love it.

Or if it's about giraffes. I love giraffe songs.

Wow, Mister Observant, I'm impressed! You can call me Crunky, Paradoxical Conundrum, PC, T, or even Crunchy Bean Burrito; it matters not.

Anywho, I'm thinking you've got something there with this "unsucky" genre. Perhaps, I shall use that term in my music section. From now on, when someone asks what kind of music I dig, I'll reply, "Why, gee golly gosh, I prefer the unsucky kind - ya know, the kind that doesn't suck, just to clarify." All this time, I've been taking the time to explain that I like at least one song in every type of music when all I really had to say was right at the tip of your fingers.

So I s'pose you want those kudos now, eh, chap?

You see, the Drunken Rogue is here not only to entertain, but inform. I'm glad I could help.

And yes, I'll take those kudos now. It's a simple transaction we make here at "Ramblings of a Drunken Rogue." I make with the funny, and you make with the kudos, and compliments. It's much more pleasant if we keep it nice and simple. Incidentally, JENA (my sister) apparently has some issue with throwing me the double kudos. I'm not sure if it's my stunning good looks, my astounding intellect or more supernatural comedic timing that makes her jealous, but whichever, it has to stop. I need those kudos!

Thanks again Crunky!