The All-Stars of Comedy!

So recently I was asked by my good friend, Jean, to join him and a few other hoodlums in a blog assignment. The idea was we'd each write five "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" style quotes. Then he'd post them together giving us all exposure to a different audience. I worked hard all week and I think I came up with some pretty good ones. Here are the quotes, with a link to their original author. Let me know what you think of the All New All-Stars of Comedy!


1) One time I met a wolf in sheep's clothing. He told me he got it at Walmart.

2) I think; therefore I am... always confused.

3) Rome wasn't built in a day, it was built in Italy.

4) Being under investigation blocks the sunlight.

5) The eyes are the window into your soul. The asshole is the window into what you ate yesterday

CHRIS (Aka Sweetwater Jones):

1.) When you kill a guy make sure he is dead, you don't want to be somewhere with your friends and somebody else kills him and your friends, are like hey I thought you said you killed him, thats really embrassing.

2.) When people talk about the best sequel ever made they always mention the Godfather part II and The Empire Strikes Back , but they always seem to leave out Anal Intruder 6

3.) If your girlfriend says she may be pregnet don't freak out and by "freak out" I mean thinking you could still be a good father in spite of your drinking habit.

4.) If I'm ever in a moral dilimma I think "What Would Jesus Do?" This helped me make a tough decision recently, and I decided that I did want a lap dance.

5.) There is no corroralation between banjo music and homosexuality.....yet!!!


1.) Sometimes, when I'm ripping out the heart of someone who I recently murdered, I wonder, "Gee, I hope I don't lose my watch inside this guy's chest" And then I realize I might be going crazy because, hey, I don't even wear a watch!

2.) I'm a big fan of breakfast, so I rented the Breakfast Club, there wasn't shit in there about breakfast. Two weeks later, I saw a movie called Silence of the Lambs, I really like lambs, so I almost rented it, but then I thought, fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice....

3.) If you ever hear a guy that tells you a story that starts out, "So I was dropping a turd in the Chic Filet bathroom..." you should just sit back and listen, because chances are, you're gonna hear something you'll never forget.

4.) Common sense would tell you if you put a poodle in a mamogram machine, he'd like it, but that's not always true.

5.) I bet if aliens ever come to earth, we'd have a really tough time explaining all the anti-alien movies we've got in the video store that portray them as warlike and violent. I think we'd all owe them an apology.

JOEL (you know it's the weirdest thing, I couldn't find a link to this guys' page. Weird, huh):

1.) I was in the shower this morning and as I reached for the shampoo bottle I noticed this on the label:
clean, healthy hair
natural body
no unwanted residue.

That got me thinking, did they really need the qualifier, "unwanted"? Have you ever thought to yourself, "I could really use some residue right now!" or "If I only had a little residue." Nope, me neither.

2.) Scientists say that the next step in human evolution is the loss of our fingernails. Makes me wonder what nail technicians think of this. How would you feel if you knew you were getting laid off by evolution?

3.) I saw a t-shirt the other day that read, "24 Hours in a day, 24 Beers in a Case, Coincidence?" I thought about it a long time, and I think it was.

4.) I used to subscribe to the newspaper, but then one day I thought about how much paper was being used just so I could read the news, how many trees had died, so that I could be informed. That made me really sad, so I quit subscribing to the newspaper. Now I just steal them from the convenience store.

5.) I'd really hate to work for the phone company. It's not working on the high lines, or answering customers questions that I'd mind. But I just couldn't stand to have to call everyone in the phonebook and check to be sure their number is right.


1.) There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those who think energy, matter, space and time are intrinsically merged into one floating particle on the tip of a maestro's wand; and those who actually like the food at arby's.

2.) I went to church sunday. Not a traditional church since it had thousands of people praying in unison as an injured soul was applauded to his feet. Or was it a football game?

3.) Sausage pizza is good. especially when you liberate bullets from your revolver into a delivery boy who looks a little too suspicious. But pepperoni pizza is still better.

4.) It would be great if all the people of the world could join hands. But i can't help feeling bad for one-armed people. maybe we could put them at the end of the line.

5.) People are too hung up on material possessions. We should all just give our stuff to people who come up with witty quotes.

There you are, my friends, five of the funniest people that a guy I know knows! It actually turned out pretty good. If you saw something you thought was really funny, feel free to check out their other blogs by following the link (aren't I a generous host?). Otherwise, feel free to praise my comedy below with a comment...come on, you know you want to.