The Bane of My Inbox: My Open Letter to Spammers and Chronic Forwarders

Dear Sirs or Madams:

I am writing to request the cessation of your long running attacks on my email inbox. As a blogger, who begs friends and strangers alike to subscribe to my blog, thus adding to their email load, I feel the need to be noticed as well. However your methods have gone too far, and I must request that you remove me from your mailing lists.

I am in no need of Viagra, debt refinancing, stock tips, or investment opportunities abroad. I have never entered (and therefore assume I can't win) any foreign lotteries, but on that note, why can't Powerball email me, if I win the jackpot? I am not interested in helping the family of deposed third world leaders get their money out of the country, unless of course you just want to UPS the bills straight to my house, and then I'd be glad to get them exchanged to American Dollars and split the stack with you 50/50. I am sorry that you have a third cousin by marriage twice removed that is dying of Lou Gehrig's Cancerous Syndrome Disease. That sounds horrific, and I'll be praying for him, however I don't really buy that Microsoft will donate a dollar to his medical fund for every person I send the email to. Bill Gates is the Devil, everyone knows that and he would never help sick children. Besides he never sent me my check for $457,982 for testing his "mail-tracking beta program" the first time he ran it. Cheapskate!

I like jokes, but I hear them at work, around the watercooler, or at the bar over a beer. I don't need to know what the Preacher said to the nosy parishioner, or how the farmer dealt with the philandering salesman. I am sure both stories are outrageously funny. I loved that video of the old man falling down carrying his groceries and the one of the fat guy pushing his car down the street, but when I want to laugh at the stupidity of others I'll just check out YouTube! I know that God loves me (and that my salvation is not based on how many people I forward this to). I also know that George Carlin never said most of that stuff that's attributed to him in the email, he has written many funny things, they're in books. I don't need another time wasting game to play (I still haven't mastered Solitaire) and I don't care what Jingle Bells sounds like played backwards.

I have considered that this is the price we pay for living in the digital age. That, much like junk mail to my home address, it just comes with the territory. But once upon a time, that wasn't the case. There was a time, when I would log in and hear, "You have no mail!" Sure, that was a little depressing, but never once did I open an email and expect anything other than interesting and meaningful correspondence from my friends. You've destroyed that trust, Spammers and Chronic Forwarders, and I hope you're proud of yourselves.

So, this is your notice. I am requesting that I be removed from your lists (okay, leave me in for the REALLY funny stuff, but if it won't make me laugh, LEAVE IT OUT). I will allow one week for your lists to updated without retribution, but if in one week I continue to receive advertisements for Erectile Disfunction medication, and Refinancing approval, or solicitation from Nigerians who need to transfer funds, I will not be held responsible for my actions. You see, I have been using the latest "mail-tracker" from Bill Gates' Microsoft. I know where your inboxes are, and don't think for a moment that I won't bombard you with spam the likes of which could choke a Gmail box. I swear I'll do it! I'm just that crazy.

Your friend and fellow E-mailer,

Joel - The Original Drunken Rogue