Suri Cruise Exists! And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say

The Democratic party has it right. I just can't stand Nintendo. No I don't want a beer. It's far too cold. I just don't feel like McDonald's today.

These are a few things you are likely (notice I say "likely") to never hear me say (or in this case read me write). The title is another one, that I had just about decided, I'd never have to write. But just when you get complacent Tom Cruise goes out and buys himself a daughter. I kid, I kid. If you want to check out the pictures of the little tyke (with proud "parents") just click here.

Apparently last night not only brought the debut of Katie Couric on CBS news (you go girl!), but also the premier of the pictures (on newstands in the new "Vanity Fair" soon). If you ask me, Suri looks a little too Asian to be Katie and Tom's, but my wife has informed me (and I generally bow to her superior knowledge on celebrity gossip questions) that Katie has distinctly Asian features. Let's face it, the kid is cute (not Sara Guy cute, but then again, who is?). Without doubt it's just a matter of time, until the owner of the Washington Redskins signs a development deal with Suri, and she takes her rightful place as the hottest (and wealthiest) baby producer in Hollywood. I suppose that now that she seems to be an actual baby (although I withhold judgment on the parentage for right now) I'll refrain from any more scandalous comments as to the baby herself, and keep my witty barbs and humorous slander reserved for her demonically crazy "father" and her batsh** crazy "mother." (Note, by the way, that I continue to put quotation marks around the parental titles).

All I'm sayin' is if in 3 and a half years, Suri sits astride a throne in Jerusalem, telling us all to have our hands stamped with her number or die, don't say I didn't warn you.