It's Like Home Alone, for Big People

My wife is tending to (I feel like I'm eighty because I just said tending to) her sister-in-law and niece, due to a recent accident (nobody worry, they're both fine). That leaves the Drunken Rogue home alone almost all week. In our (mine and Ella's that is) 2 years of marriage, I've spent about three weeks by myself. She went to Boston once, Florida and now Bossier City. In that time, I think that I have learned quite a few valuable lessons for the bacheloring (I mean this only in the "running the house on your own" sense, not the "chasing skirts 'til four in the morning" sense...I promise) husband. Since I'm fairly proud of any knowledge I have, I'm going to share it with you now.

1. The cats (while tremendously intelligent) can not change their litter themselves. -- At times, when Ella is home, it seems that the litter just magically stays clean, but when she leaves I understand that is only because she cleans it. There is nothing like coming home after a hard day's work, opening the front door and being greeted by the overwhelming smell of ammonia, baking soda and poop. Stay on top of this task, gentlemen.

2. Popsicles and beer, while tasty, do not count as dinner. -- I am a simple man, with simple tastes. I just as happy (happier indeed) with a fast food hamburger and fries as with a steak. But even the bacheloring husband needs actual sustenance. And no, Guiness doesn't count, no matter how thick it is.

3. Proper hygeine, even in the abscence of the little woman, requires at least a bath every three days. -- With your lady love out of the house, you might let that stubble grow an extra day, or re-wear your favorite pants, but please do not overlook bathing. True there is no one but you to notice your pit smell, but your co-workers will appreciate you being Zest-fully clean.

4. 15 hour marathon sessions of videogaming are not nearly as fulfilling as they were in college. -- The first time Ella vacationed without me I thought, "Now is my chance to finish all those video games I never got around to beating." I love playing video games, and am very much looking forward to the new consoles, but a man with a full time job just shouldn't play for more than hour or two at one sitting. Besides, it makes my eyes blurry.

5. Make sure you leave the house as clean for her return, as she left it for her departure. -- There is no surer way to end that celebratory hello kiss and hug badly than leaving the house filthy. I know it's fun to leave your clothes on the floor, and your fast food bags and boxes on the counter beside the empty beer bottles, but for your own well-being pick them up before she gets home. She worked hard on the house before you leaving, and the last thing she wants to do when she gets back is clean again. So here's a checklist:

Clothes in the hamper (nobody said you actually had to do laundry)
Trash taken out (would it kill you to put in new bags, too?)
Toilet seat in its full down position (we know you left it up while she was gone, but your fun is over)
And man's secret weapon in the battle of smell, Febreeze! (Seriously. It doesn't stain, can be sprayed on literally any fabric, or surface and can make that fart smell like a flower).

Alright guys, now you're prepared for that time alone, enjoy it, eat what you want, have an extra beer, be a slob...but clean up before she gets home.