Paramount Finally Smells the Crazy and Kicks Cruise to the Curb

Boy I love alliteration.

The USA Today is reporting that Paramount Studios has ended it's 14 year relationship with the High Priest of the Loony Bin, Tom Cruise. Apparently some of the studio heads, finally picked up a paper or turned on VH1 and realized the man they pay $10 million a year to produce new films, is a complete wacko.

One wonders what the final straw was, what act of insanity was one too many for the house that Spielberg built? Was it the couch-jumping shows of devotion on Oprah's set? The anti-psychiatry diatribes? The belief in extra-terrestrial human-possessing entities? Or maybe the fact that he apparently faked the birth of child? How could you ever think this guy is crazy?

The studio did make an offer to Cruise's production company of $2 million a year, however that fell through when Cruise discovered the contract was not for a producer but a freak show attraction at the studio's theme park. I can see the marquee now, "See the Man with the Imaginary Baby!"

You know what, seeing as how Paramount now has some money available, I'd like to officially apply for the job of Producer. I'm crazy as hell, and have lots of ideas for films. I could spend my days jumping on couches telling everybody what a wonderful woman Ella is, and picking fights on the Today show with Matt Lauer over the use and misuse of psychiatric drugs. Sure beats my current day job.

Cruise's partner, Sillyhead (excuse me, I mean) Paula Wagner, said she is upset that the breakup turned into a "personal attack." Cruise however was not suprised, since he knows that the studio heads only act negatively because of the mind control of the intergalactic tyrant, Xenu. Cruise hopes that they gain a higher level as Operating Thetans, and free themselves, as he has, from the bonds of slavery implanted on the human race 75 million years ago.

Seriously, how could you think this guy is crazy?