The Power of the Stache: History's Greatest Mustaches

The Mustache is perhaps the greatest of all body hair. While a goatee can signify intelligence (and pretention), and a beard can signify wisdom, a mustache is a pure symbol of the one's level of machisma. It can be dashing and debonair, it can be wooly and wild. It is as much an indicator of personality as the smile (or frown) it sits above.

In honor of the mustache, the Drunken Rogue proudly presents:

The Power of the Stache: History's Greatest Mustaches


10. Sam Elliot - a classic handlebar. This film and television actor is often credited as one of the reasons for the rebirth of the Hollywood Western. Without this top ranking mustache he might well be a cowpoke, instead of the leading cowboy. His Mustache's Hidden Secret -- It's actually a vegetarian, but is contractually obligated to stay silent because of Sam's position as Beef Industy Spokesman.


9. Charlie Chaplin - what was once known as the toothbrush has become so synonamous with Chaplin that it is often reffered to as the Chaplin. Arguably the greatest silent film actor of all time (there are some Buster Keaton fans that would disagree), Charlie Chaplin also is the easiest to draw of the men on this list. Most people could guess the identity with just a bowler hat, mustache and eyes. While the toothbrush 'stache looked wonderful on Charlie, it became very unpopular because of a certain dictator. His Mustache's Hidden Secret -- the mustache was actually mute, how ironic for a silent film actor.


8. Friedrich Nietzsche - the Walrus. German philosopher famous for not being appreciated in his lifetime, and later being considered simplistic and backward. Sort of like most philosophers. You've got to appreciate a man who could his mustache run his face though. His Mustache's Hidden Secret -- the mustache was a practicing Catholic


7. Tom Selleck - the simple mustache. Selleck wore it in the role that made him famous and kept it for most of his career. In fact it was the shaving of the mustache that led to his punishment by the Screen Actor's Guild (he repaid his debt by appearing as a recurring character on "Friends"). His Mustache's Hidden Secret -- the mustache preferred Lambroghini's to Ferrari's.


6. Groucho Marx - the mustachio (often exaggerated by greasepaint). This is probably the most imitated mustache in history. The wisecracking Marx brother (not to be confused with the father of modern communism Karl Marx) is still a standard by which comedians are judged. His Mustache's Hidden Secret -- the mustache was, in fact, a descendant of the Communist theorist Karl Marx.


5. Frida Kahlo - the pencil thin. The only woman to make it to the list, Frida Kahlo kept her mustache company with a fairly prominent unibrow. Underneath all that hair (and it was a lot to get underneath of) you'd find a lover, a painter, and a pretty homely woman. Her Mustache's Hidden Secret -- the mustache was a conservative Republican from Connecticut.


4. Salvador Dali - a mustache so perverse they named it after him. The surreal painter wore a mustache most of his life, but it was his tendency later in life to entwine things in it (as shown in the picture to the left) that finally cemented his reputation as a crazy person. His Mustache's Hidden Secret -- the mustache emitted an amazing amount of heat, it was actually the cause of all those melted clocks in Dali's paintings.


3. Martin Luther King Jr. - the thin or mouthbrow. Here is one instance where the man was truly greater than the mustache. The leader (some would say, founder) of the Civil Rights movement in America, MLK is one of the single greatest figures in American history. But imagine for a moment that this young southern minister, had appeared on the scene without the mustache. Would his ideas of tolerance, and non-violence have held as much water then? We may never know, but I say let us be thankful for the mustache, adn the respect it carries. His Mustache's Hidden Secret -- the mustache hated black people, in fact King often had to wear a mustache net to keep it from running away from him at night.


2. Adolph Hitler - the toothbrush, Chaplin or Hitler mustache. After Chaplin spent years trying to bring the toothbrush mustache into vogue with the world's upper crust, Hitler ruined it all with a little thing called the holocaust. Adolph is a perfect example of the tenant "with great power comes great responsibility." He is one of the main reasons why we currently prefer our dictators clean shaven, that leaves them a little less powerful. His Mustache's Hidden Secret -- mustache had a torid affair with Heinrich Himmler's mustache, therefore technically should have been exterminated as a homosexual.

Was there any doubt as to what mustache would take the top spot? The single greatest mustache in history...


1. Burt Reynolds - you could call it a moustachio, but I call it the Reynolds. Burt Reynolds was widely regarded as the sexiest man in the world for most of the 1970's. But what the public didn't know was that he was also the world's greatest crimefighter. The powers of his mustache were almost limitless, but have faded in his later years. It's often reported that the mustache often shows up to act alone, particularly when Burt is feeling under the weather (the enitirety of "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" was shot with only the mustache present, and I challenge you to notice the difference). His Mustache's Hidden Secret -- mustache cheated on Sally Fields with Dolly Parton, leading to Burt and Fields' eventual divorce.

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