The Rogue Goes on Forever: Drunken Rogues Through History

While I carry the Drunken Rogue name with pride, even occasionally referring to myself as "The Original Drunken Rogue," the Rogue has always been with us. From the moment the Summarians invented beer, and then realized you could eat the by-product (they called it bread), there have always been those who had special powers. What powers you ask? (Or maybe you don't, but I'm telling you anyway)

1. The Power to Consume Liquor in Any Form -- While lesser men have a preference of beverages, "I'm a beer man." or "Only whiskey for me." or "Give me the fruity one, with the umbrella," the Rogue cares not what manner of delivery the alcohol chooses. Mixed, malted, or straight from the bottle it's all the same to the Rogue.

2. Powerful Charisma - This is what separates the Drunken Rogue from the town drunk (notice, there is no capitalization there). It's one thing to be a drunk, it's quite another to have a love for drink in addition to other great personality traits.

3. The Power of Flight - It's something I've kept secret, but now I feel it's important to reveal. You didn't know I could fly, did you? History tells you Ben Franklin discovered electricity flying a kite, but NONSENSE! He was just plain flying. (I suppose this perceived power of flight might merely be a hallucination brought on by the alcohol, but nah. We can probably fly.)

Today we honor some of the greatest:

Drunken Rogues Through History

1. Noah - Yes, the one righteous man on the earth in his time, the man God chose to become the new father of the world, the guy who spent 120 years building an ark and collecting two of every animal (but curiously forgot the freakin' unicorn), also happened to be a Drunken Rogue. Shortly after surviving the flood, and being blessed by God with the first rainbow, Noah built himself a vineyard. He had a little too much wine in celebration and ended up falling down naked. Incidentally this whole escapade (and the subsequent cursing of his son, Ham, because he didn't help him) has been used for a few millennia to justify slavery. Oops. But you know, he got the ark right.

2. Benjamin Franklin - Other than the above mentioned anecdote of his flying discovery of electricity, we also have his drinking to thank for our independence. He and John Adams were getting loaded one night, and as he peeled the label on his current bottle of ale, he spotted the tax stamp. It sent him into a drunken rage, "To hell with Britain. Who are they to charge a half pence more for a bit of beer? Let's declare independence." That my friends was on July 2nd. One of the greatest quotes about our favorite barley beverage (and a personal motto of mine) comes from Ben, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

3. Winston Churchill - one of the most prodigious drinkers in history, and the reason the British don't currently speak German, coincidence? I think not. I also think it worth pointing out that the second World War pitted a serious drinker (Churchill) and a serious teetotaler, or non-drinker (Hitler). Again, you see whose on the right side, here. Churchill's quotes about drinking are numerous and funny enough to deserve their own post (light bulb goes on), but here's one of my favorites, "My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them." He also famously quipped, "(I've) taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me," right on, Winston, right on.

4. W.C. Fields - Like Fatty Arbuckle before him (without the scandalous end of his career) W.C. Fields built a career and an empire on his drunkedness (yep, that's a word). It didn't hurt that he was terribly funny. My personal favorite Fields quote, "Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snake bite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake." Advice to live your life by.

5. Frank Sinatra - While Humphrey Bogart had made the drinking lifestyle cool in the movies, Sinatra turned it into an artform. "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~ Frank Sinatra. His hard living, and carousing cost him several marriages, but it also brought him a smooth velvety voice and some of the best pals a guy could have, one of which even makes this list.

6. Dean Martin - Compared to Dino, Sinatra was an amateur drinker. While some critics have claimed that in his stage show, Martin drank apple juice and pretended it was liquor, this is nonsense. Dino would be ashamed. As Dean would often remark to his partners in crime, "You're not drunk, if you can lay on the floor without holding on." In Rio Bravo, one of John Wayne's greatest westerns, Martin played Dude, otherwise known as Borachan, or drunk in Spanish. Great character, great movie, great drunk

So now you know some great examples of Drunken Rogue's through history, but who lines up on the other side of the fence? Let's see.

A List of ProminentTeetotalers

1. Heinrich Himmler - German Nazi, Head of the SS

2. Adolf Hitler - German Nazi Leader, one of the single largest murderers in the history of the human race.

3. Osama Bin Laden - Terrorist, figure head of al-Qaeda, bad dresser

4. Vladimir Putin - Current President of Russia, stealer of civil liberties

5. John Mayer - American Pop Singer, guilty of passing off rhythmic farts as music, false leader of young people

You don't want to be like those guys, do you? I didn't think so. For drinking lessons, or for more humorous alcohol quotes, meet me at the local bar, or any bar (if you're paying).

***Lawyer's Note*** The opinions expressed herein are solely those of the author and reflect neither the beliefs of Hookem, Catchem, and Skinem or Drunken Rogue Publishing. Any ill effects due to following the lifestyle prescribed herein (liver damage, traffic violations, falling on your face) are solely the responsibility of the guilty party. Drunken Rogue Publishing neither condones, nor appreciates excessive drinking. Please Drink Responsibly, and don't sue us...or him, on second thought, feel free to sue him... but not us.***End Lawyer's Note***