Day 88: Where is Suri Cruise?

We interrupt our regularly scheduled blog for this breaking update:

Tom Cruise is completely insane.


His following of the "teachings" of Scientology have been tolerated for long enough. We, the American public, should rise up and smite the Demon Cruise before his reign of terror begins in earnest. For those that aren't familiar with the scam, I mean, religion of Scientology I would refer to this Wikipedia article. Or even better, watch the premier episode of the last season of <st1:place><st1:placename>South</st1:placename> <st1:placetype>Park</st1:placetype></st1:place>. Chef (voiced by the sexiest scientologist, Isaac Hayes) is missing something in his life and leaves <st1:place><st1:placename>South</st1:placename> <st1:placetype>Park</st1:placetype></st1:place> to join the Super Adventure Club which brainwashes Chef into molesting little boys. That isn't (at least I don't think) what Scientologist believe in. They do however believe that aliens conquered this planet several millennia ago, we eventually overthrew them, lost all our technology for some reason and then eventually worked our way back up the techno ladder. Oh, and we are all infested with the souls of tortured aliens, I forgot about that one.

Apparently Scientologists also believe in hiding babies. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have a baby, the world (sad, undersexed, overfed housewives mostly) demands to see the photos of the baby, the Pitt-Jolies (how very modern of them) sell the rights to the first photo and give the proceeds to charity (how very U.N. of them). Tom Cruise, the world's biggest movie star (and the shortest, other than Sylvester Stallone) and Katie Holmes (oh, aren't her Catholic parents proud) have the only baby in the world that people want to see more than Brad and Angelina's, they stand to make literally millions of dollars that they could: spend, give away, roll and smoke, use as kindling for their ritual goat sacrifices: And yet no photo. There are exactly three reasons why they are holding back: (this is the part where I list the reasons)


1. Suri does not exist -- It is entirely possible that in Tom's furor to stop the homosexual rumors (it was actually him with the gerbil in the emergency room, not Richard, I don't care who you heard it from) that he not only hired himself a girlfriend and began an international tour of lunacy and love, but that he got a little too excited one day and accidentally announced a pregnancy. Katie was of course furious over Tom straying from the game-plan but was quickly referred by Tom's lawyers to the "back the man's play" clause in her Palimony contract. She sucked it up and decided, "What the hell. I'll finally be able to eat like a pig and not be criticized by the gossip columnists. This photo clearly shows Tom and his bodyguard reminding Katie of their insurance to make her maintain the charade. Tom is obviously miming the injection of a syringe of deadly Scientology-created chemicals into Katie's blood stream. That is the fate that awaits her if she spills the beans, or baby as it were.


2. Suri is horribly and irreparably malformed -- Above you'll find a copy of Suri's birth certificate that was filed (by someone other than the proud parents) about a month after Suri's (alleged) birth. Why wait a month? Perhaps the Cruise and Holmes cabal has been attempting hither to unheard of plastic surgeries to repair the excruciating visage of young Suri. My sources (non-existent as they are) don't tell me what her deformation might be, but I can guess (and will): a third eye, one of those flat faces, large gelatinous facial growths similar to the main character in 1985's Mask, six fingers on her right hand. I don't know, but any of these would be damaging to the public image of Tom as a completely normal, wholesome All-American boy (who happens to believe in Alien possession, and the powers of L. Ron Hubbard, but not the wonders of modern pharmacology or psychiatry).


3. Suri is in fact the ultimate product of Tom Cruise, L. Ron Hubbard, John Travolta, and Isaac Hayes evil plotting and deals with the devil: The Anti-Christ -- We have been misled by the magic of Hollywood (a Scientologist propaganda machine) to expect the Anti-Christ to arrive on Earth in male form and therefore will be completely taken by surprise next year just after Suri's first birthday when she takes her place on the Seat of Satan as ruler of all evil in this plane of existence. This theory just "feels" more accurate than the others, because let's face it, isn't watching a Tom Cruise movie like a little slice of hell for most of us?

Of course this could all be an elaborate exaggeration by the mainstream media, trying to paint the future Mr. and Mrs. Cruise in a poor light. Suri is likely a perfectly normal child, inheriting good looks, common sense and irascible charm from both her mother and her father. Tom and Katie probably are merely waiting for the proper time and place to share their new bundle of joy with the rest of the world. They (like any new parent) worry that little Suri is too young and fragile to be exposed to the harsh light of the public view, and will share the newest Scientologist with us in due time. Until then, we should all just sit back, watch our favorite episode of Dawson's Creek, Risky Business, or maybe even re-read Dianetics, while reflecting on our shortcomings as fully-realized individuals and the root causes of those shortcomings (alien possession).

***Update*** Joel, here. The above paragraph was not written by me. I don't know how long I'll be able to maintain this connection, so I hope I can post this before I'm cut off. I am being held in some sort of Scientology Decompression chamber. Their spies are everywhere. They caught me mid-blog. Be ever viligiant, spread the word, save a life. Scientoligists are stupid.***End Transmission***

The heirs of Joel would like to report that he is still missing, if anyone has any information leading to the return of Joel, please forward it to his attorneys, Catchem, Hookem and Skinem 5000 Crooked Road Way, Sharksville, LA. Thank you for your attention, thoughts, and prayers.