Reynolds Style: A How-To For UnCool People


Thanks for all the comments and views lately, guys, this week has been really busy. "The Life and Times of the Drunken Rogue" series seems to be popular. If you haven't read them yet, check out Part 1 and Part 2 right now! I'm enjoying writing this series and the third chapter should be up sometime tomorrow, but I don't feel like I'm bringing the funny quite enough. So, in order to fully tickle your funnybones, I present an examination of the coolest man ever to walk the planet: Burt Reynolds.

To those unacquainted with the walking machismo that is Burt Reynolds, let me rundown just the top films he has graced us with:

Deliverance (1972), The Longest Yard (1974), Smokey and the Bandit (1977), Hooper (1978), and The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (1982)

Yes, it's true that The Reynolds turned down the Jack Nicholson role in Terms of Endearment because he was doing Cannonball Run 2. Yes that's the movie that vaulted Jack Nicholson to critical acclaim and perennial contention for acting awards. But who cares about awards and critical acclaim, when you are as cool as The Reynolds. The Reynolds doesn't crave or need our love or affection, but knows that because of His innate coolness, He shall receive it anyway.

I have patterned my life after the example of Burt Reynolds. It was his influence that caused me to spend some introspective time in the wilderness of the lower Ozarks (the people there are so friendly). After my sojourn into hillbilly-land, I enrolled in racing school under the name of Cannon Bandit Ace. I still hold several records in the Junior United Southern Unlimited Kart Racing League, also known as JU-SUKR for short. Once it was clear my racing days were behind me, I moved to Hollywood becoming a stunt-man. I was famous for my high-mid-level flying somersault while yodeling (a move that, sadly, has never been featured in a motion picture. I do have hope though in the upcoming remake of "The Sound of Music"). I look forward to settling down in a small town as sheriff. I'll date the local Madam and thwart the Duke boys as often as possible.

You too can live the life of The Reynolds. All you have to do is exercise, take your vitamins and say your wait that's if you want to be just like the Hulkster. Ah here we go:

The Life Lessons of The Reynolds:

1. Drive fast -- Cops will chase you, but it's not like they have a radio or something to communicate with each other. Silly, policemen.

2. Drink lots of beer -- preferably while driving fast. Not only is this sexually attractive to the female gender, but it increases your machismo levels and burns fat.

3. Recruit sidekicks -- preferably several. Examples of adequate sidekicks include: bumbling mechanics or deputies, wily 18-wheeler drivers, heavyset European doctors (they really help out if you ever have to haul large, wild animals cross-country)

4. Marry, date, or at least sleep with every starlet that crosses your path -- for some of you this will be a hard feat to accomplish, but The Reynolds inside each of us can make it possible.


5. **The Most Important Rule of Reynolds** Grow a mustache -- The Mustache is the single most powerful weapon in The Reynolds arsenal. The Mustache is to Reynolds as the thunderbolt is to Zeus, as the Hammer is to Thor, as the bowtie is to Tucker Carlson. The Mustache is even rumored to be the source of The Reynolds power, but that is sacrilege.

For further information on The Reynolds check out his official website or you can take a pilgrimage...I mean vacation to The Burt Reynolds and Friends Museum.

With just a little hard work (and the facial hair of the gods) you too, can be as cool as The Reynolds. Well, not as cool as The Reynolds, but cool enough to call yourself a Reynolds' Fan.

**Lawyers Note** This blog, website and author or in no way affiliated with, or approved by Burt Reynolds. After several consultations, Mr. Reynolds informed us he has a somewhat limited interest in the opinions of this writer, and no interest in his affections. All assertions or claims as to results of following the "Reynolds Way" are merely hypothetical and carry no real world guarantees...except for the mustache. Facial hair in the lip region has been repeatedly proven to increase sex appeal...except in females. All complaints and grievances should be directed to the author in the comments section supplied below. All donations should be forwarded to our offices Hookem, Catchem, and Skinem 5000 Crooked Road Way, Sharksville, LA. **End Lawyers Note**